*** THIS POST CONTAINS EXPERIENCES THAT REFERENCE MISCARRIAGE AND PREGNANCY LOSS. ***
THIS STORY AND EMOTIONS WRITTEN HERE CAN BE VERY TRIGGERING .
BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS!!
WE ARE ALL GOING THROUGH SOMETHING– SOME ARE JUST BETTER AT HIDING IT.
MARCH 22, 2024
I was curious if I was pregnant from 3/22 when I opened up the new Omnicell at work and could smell the Ampicillin!
Dave and I had been trying for a few months now and our Remi girl is BEYOND ready, specifically a “Sister!”
The next day my period was due, and I told myself if got home from that night shift and still hadn’t bled, I would take a test.
Well, I did… and I don’t know if I believe this test:
But they say any faint line means + so I guess:
🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼.
I attribute the slight appearance to it not “technically” being the first urine of the day– since I worked all night and drank my usual mugs on mugs of ice water.
#Diluted, amIright?
I notice my boobs feeling heavier than normal and VERY tender nipples. Is that some nausea??
The slight, tender mercies that my body tells me, I might just be pregnant.
I pass out that morning, hoping for the best– but not before calculating my due date:
A November baby is PERFECT.
[5wks + 2 days from LMP]
Waiting on one darling custom Pokemon card to tell Dave, and the cutest: “Big Sister Era” shirt for Remi.
April 16th, I am working a swing shift this time, a glorious 3pm-3am shift.
I am in the middle of helping a sweet mama bring her baby Earth-side, and all of a sudden I feel the wetness…
the specific warm gooey wetness that any woman KNOWS is blood between her legs.
I finish the most beautiful unmedicated delivery, made sure that mama wasn’t bleeding too much and got that baby latched on before finally escaping to the bathroom.
I am too nervous to look down, so I empty the tank that is my bladder and wipe.
WHEW!
NOTHING on the toilet paper.
Finally I look down, and notice a little spot on my underwear as well as a small amount of dried blood on my thighs.
I want to ball my eyes out.
I want someone else to know!
I just want to ask so many questions!!
I want reassurance from my brilliant co-workers that it is possibly just some implantation bleeding. 🩸♥️
BUT
David doesn’t even know yet, and I cannot possibly tell them first
— and before my Mama, I just can’t do it.
( especially at midnight—by a text message! )
I take a deep breath and finish my recovery.
FIRST ULTRASOUND
The next day we started some serial HCG levels.
(a blood test every-other day for over a week)
Peculiar! They were rising
but not doubling.
My phenomenal Dr. P was following closely, and was worried about an ectopic pregnancy.
I scheduled my first ultrasound right away!
Dave came with me because we were terrified of the possible outcomes that could lead to. I don’t want to lose my tubes!
— clear tubes!!!!
Gestational sac seen but nothing in it so far.
A little behind schedule but nothing too crazy for a very early ultrasound.
The US techs were very kind and they even told us: “Congratulations” when we left!
Feeling hopeful, and definitely relieved.
Reassured by Dr. P that it might just be too early to see much yet.
Follow up with an ultrasound, a week later.
SECOND ULTRASOUND
[8wks by LMP]
Possibly a fetal pole measuring aprox 6 wks, an “irregular shape” gestational sac and a subchorionic hemorrhage— possible “fetal demise” on US report.
This time, the US tech kept telling me she is “so sorry that I’m here” and “so sorry I am going through this.”
SOMETHING IN THE SAC THO! That is great growth for a week– right??
Reassured by Dr. P it just still just be too early for a heart beat yet…
I still feel those tender boobies, and haven’t had any cramping or bleeding at all.
We re-schedule another follow-up ultrasound for 10 days later!
THIRD ULTRASOUND
[9wks by LMP]
The fetal pole is measuring the same
(6 weeks).
Still no heart beat.
Now concerned with “the area of sepated appearing cystic change adjacent to the gestational sac, exhibiting prominent blood flow.”
A possible molar pregnancy???
After googling Molar pregnancy, the only words that stuck out to me are: “could lead to cancer,” and “possible chemotherapy.”
Freaking out again— to repeat US in 7 days.
FOURTH ULTRASOUND VAGINAL PROBE
[10 Wks by LMP]
Still measuring the same.
(6wks–should be 10wks+ by now)
A possible flicker that matches my heart rate.. (way too slow for a baby HR)
“Less concerned it is molar”,
but decision was made to get a D&C to send tissue to pathology JIC
D&C
We schedule the D&C for three days later.
May 9th, 2024
Ironically on the same day that I originally scheduled my First OB appointment so many weeks ago.
Of course, I start spotting the night before surgery, truly feeling like this was the right decision.
I am trying really hard to trust the universe as I feel this empty, raw feeling that it is in my body, and in my heart.
–I will forever miss the firsts we never had.–
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